With a storyline that is unusual to say the least, Mitchell Lichtenstein’s Teeth is just plain ridiculous. It could have gone a number of ways. Maybe it’s a commentary on today’s youth and their sexuality. Or a straight up horror movie about a girl and her killer vagina. Instead, the movie can’t decide which way it wants to go and ends up only being silly and stupid.
Dawn (Jess Weixler) is a teen dealing with her emerging womanhood. She has made a promise to abstain from sex until marriage. She belongs to a group of teens that have made the same promise. At one of their meetings she meets Tobey (Hale Appleman). They have a mutual attraction that both try to fight. Jess invites him one day to a place that is notorious for teen sexual activity. When their make out session goes too far, Jess tries to stop Tobey. When he rapes her, Jess’s body responds in a way that neither of them are prepared for. Jess sets out to find out about her condition and what she needs to do about it.
The story is intriguing. Vagina dentata appears as a myth in a number of cultures. The most obvious reasoning behind it is to prevent rape. In Teeth, every man that Jess comes into contact with wants to have sex with her. This is an easy way out to show how Jess can use her condition to her advantage. It is also the most predictable. The story discusses religion, teens and their hormones, and how those who want to wait are ostracized. Religion is referenced almost only to show how the female is evil along with her reproductive organs. But the story is nothing compared to how bad the acting is. Jess Weixler as Dawn starts off well enough with the deer in head lights look that is appropriate for an innocent teen. And when she realizes what she is doing she shows a good amount of anguish. But when she starts to use her power for evil, all bets are off. Her face is a blank canvas where emotion is not shown. Maybe this is to show that she has gone dead inside due to a tragedy. Or maybe she realized how bad the script was and that she has made a mistake accepting this role. John Hensley plays her stepbrother Brad. Hensley is best known for his role on Nip Tuck. He is bad on Nip Tuck and he is bad in this also. But let’s not place all the blame on him. You can only do so much with a stereotypical rebel bad boy who acts out by playing heavy metal music, has tattoos, and smokes weed in his room all day.
Visually, the sex scenes are cringe worthy. You don’t want to look but you still do. Reality is a foreign concept in this movie, so why not the fake penises? You can almost see the actors pushing the button for the squibs to go off once they have been castrated. Too bad they don’t bother to show what everybody is thinking: What does a vagina with teeth look like?
A one track mind is usually not viewed as a good thing, but in the case of Teeth it would have been helpful. You can’t tell if it is supposed to be funny, sad, or serious. All of it is thrown at you. And all you want is for the movie to be over.
I judge a movie on how often I look at my watch. Or in this case, the timer on the DVD player. I looked at the timer no less than five times throughout the hour and 25 minutes that this movie ran. When the special features on the DVD are just as bad as the movie, you know its time to turn it off.
