Peaceful Warrior
Genre: Drama/Sport
Cast: Scott Mechlowicz, Nick Nolte, Amy Smart…
Director: Victor Salva
Release: (2006)

Worst. Movie. Ever. I can’t even begin to describe everything that I didn’t like about this malignant video store tumor. It feels like it took a giant crap in my brain that I can’t wash out. The story is purportedly about writer Dan Millman’s own coming of age and understanding in college through the wise tutelage of an Zen-master gas station attendant nicknamed Socrates. What actually comes across is a masturbatory bit of revisionist history about Millman’s youth that would make Kim Jong Il blush.

Much of the story follows Millman’s career as a college gymnast. Apparently, at Bullshit University, the men’s gymnastics team was the coolest, toughest, rowdiest bunch of beer-chugging, womanizing bad boys on campus. But tragedy strikes, when our hero breaks his leg speeding on his motorcycle (which cool guys like him are always doing). But with a little help from Socrates, Millman learns to train his mind to triumph over his body and pull himself up again to get back on those rings. Yay.

There was not a single scene in this movie that was not overflowing with false emotion. Every single thing that this jackass (Millman, played by Scott Mechlowicz) had to say was just oozing with melodrama, almost to the point of satire. Though this annoying overacting did produce my new favorite moment of unintentional comedy in a movie ever, when Millman is squaring off with an equally absurdly macho teammate at practice, and the teammate blasts him with: “Oh what, you don’t want it? Except you suck at the pommelhorse…Mailman.” Hilarious. Might be my new favorite movie quote ever. Other than that, this movie has no redeeming qualities and too many terrible ones to name.

There is just one thing I need to get off my chest about it though. Millman is a ring-swinger, or whatever you call gymnasts who spin around on those rings that hang from the ceiling. This is crucial to the story, as bad-ass Millman is always driving his coach crazy trying to pull of crazy new ring tricks. And the climax comes when Millman pulls himself up onto the rings again for the first time after his accident and is finally able to pull himself up into a triumphant iron cross (in the rain, of course). But perhaps the one thing that drove me crazier about this movie than anything else, the one thing that was never even remotely acknowledged, was that no matter how difficult an iron cross may be, it may be the one action in all of sports where YOU DON’T NEED YOUR LEGS. In fact, the whole thing about him getting back on the rings was the same way. He could swing around and do flips all day on those things and it has nothing to do with the fact that his leg is better, he could have had both legs amputated and still do this. I can’t think about this anymore, I’m getting too angry again. Dan Millman, if you’re reading this, go stick your head in the oven and take a nap. Or at least, just don’t make a movie again. I know you’ll want to, except you suck at making movies…Mailman.

Grading

Story: F
Acting: F- - - - -
Visuals: F
Originality/Innovation: F
Enjoyability: F
Overall: F