2008 Academy Awards Diary
Continued...
9:51pm: For some reason the Academy members think we care how or why they select the winners, or even who they are, and so they’re letting/making us watch this painfully uninteresting home movie about a day in their life that’s meant to teach us a little about their jobs but also let us see a little of their “fun side”, as well. Bunch of nerds.
9:54pm: The Oscars are broadcast on ABC. ABC is owned by Disney. Hey look, it’s Miley Cyrus again!
9:55pm: Another musical number, this time with a dread-locked finger-snapping guy, a Hawaiian-shirted Parrothead bongo guy, and an aging blonde who seems to think she’s famous. I find myself wishing Regis had brought those three giant X’s from America’s Got Talent to keep these things moving along.
10:00pm: Jon Stewart makes a joke implying that expecting mothers Jessica Alba, Nicole Kidman and Cate Blanchett will all lose their babies. Good one.
10:04pm: Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill do a pretend argument routine about which one of them looks more like Halle Berry. Swing and a miss.
10:05pm: The Bourne Ultimatum wins for “Achievement in Sound Editing”. Someday I’ll be able to tell my grandkids I saw this happen live.
10:06pm: Rogen and Hill won’t let it go and carry their argument bit over to another segment. For some reason “sound editing” and “sound mixing” are two different things, and require two different awards. The Bourne Ultimatum wins again. I didn’t see it yet, but apparently that movie’s a real eargasm.
10:09pm: Someone dedicates their award to the memory of a guy named “Paul Huntsman”. In his ambiguous build-up to this, however, an awkward hush begins to creep through the audience in the fear that some no-name sound guy is about to overstep his bounds and steal the thunder of the first Heath Ledger dedication. When he finally announces he’s talking about someone named Paul Huntsman, it’s like the ceiling peels open to let the air back in the room just before everyone starts to suffocate.
10:11pm: Wow, Forest Whitaker, tell me more …
10:14pm: Marion Cotillard wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role for La Vie en Rose. I still don’t know who she is, but Regis says he loves that Maryanne Catalog.
10:19pm: Jon Stewart is seen in frame with someone else for the first time all night. It’s an eleven-year old girl standing about twenty feet away from him, but the size comparison is still relatively unflattering. Better just stick with Plan A.
10:21pm: Another musical number. But someone really needs to figure out to keep those acceptance speeches shorter …
10:24pm: Watching Jack Nicholson on stage, I realize that I can’t even tell if he’s actually a real person anymore, or just some kind of idea in my mind.
10:25pm: They are going through a montage of clips from every single Best Picture winner since 1928. Boy, if they could only figure out how to keep those acceptance speeches shorter …
10:27pm: They’re only up to the 70’s.
10:29pm: Almost five minutes later, the droning tribute to every Best Picture ever finally winds up. Apparently one of the new benefits negotiated into the writers’ contract is never having to write anything. My hat’s off.
10:30pm: The Bourne Ultimatum is cleaning up on the crappy awards, this time taking home its third award of the night for “Achievement in Film Editing”. That movie must be like editor porn.
10:32pm: Jon Stewart works up the courage to walk over and stand next to the orchestra, who are all standing in an 8-foot pit. I still think he’s playing with fire here.
10:33pm: Nicole Kidman looks like Mattel’s new “Cruella DeVille” Barbie.
10:35pm: Someone named Robert Boyle wins an Honorary Oscar for something. A room full of people who spent the last fifty years not inviting him to parties give him a standing ovation. Several smile and try to look heartwarmed and inspired in case they happen to be on camera.
10:37pm: Philip Seymour Hoffman sits with his arms crossed, looking like he could not be less interested in whatever Robert Boyle is babbling about. God bless you, Philip Seymour Hoffman. I’m not saying anyone should be dismissive to Boyle, but if you’re really not interested in what he has to say, the guy has at least earned the right to be treated with like an adult, instead of with the kind condescending cooing you’d treat a two-year old’s first drawing with.
10:38pm: Robert Boyle is going off in all kinds of directions with his Grandpa Simpson stories. I can just imagine the kind of panic going on in the orchestra pit right now, as they try to decide if they’re going to have to be the ones to start playing the 98-year old guy in a walker off the stage.
10:39pm: Yes, Diane Lane, that production designer is truly an inspiration. An inspiration to us all.
10:43pm: ABC runs a commercial for the new season of Dancing with the Stars. They don’t know it yet, but at least one person in the audience of the Kodak Theatre tonight is less than two years from being in this commercial. Just like Marlee Matlin, who was in one of tonight’s nine dozen Oscar memories montages, is in this one right now.
10:47pm: Another musical number. Boy, if someone could just figure out how to shave some time off the acceptance speeches to tighten this show up …
10:48pm: This is the third musical number from Enchanted in the show tonight, and the first time it dawns on me that 2004’s Ella Enchanted and 2007’s Enchanted are two different movies.
10:52pm: Some song from Once finally wins Best Song. Disney’s Enchanted had three of the five songs nominated in this category and loses out – to a film that was shot on two camcorders for just over a hundred grand – in primetime, on it’s own network. This might be my favorite Oscar moment ever.
10:53pm: John Travolta is the first person allowed to come near Jon Stewart at the podium. Apparently he’s a midget, too.
10:54pm: Steven Spielberg thought a billion people were watching the Oscars in 1993? A billion? Does he know what that number means?
10:55pm: Andie MacDowell joins the list of former Oscar attendees now seen only in commercials between the show.
10:56pm: My local weatherman is back again, this time promising a “blockbuster of a forecast” in the morning.
10:59pm: One of the Best Song recipients who didn’t get to give her acceptance speech the first time is brought back out to say her thanks. She says something vaguely pseudo-inspirational like, “hope unites us all,” or something like that. John Travolta curls his bottom lip out and nods seriously at this. Classic.
11:01pm: There Will Be Blood finally gets on the board with a win for Best Cinematography. The cinematographer goes out of his way to thank Daniel Day-Lewis, who turns out not to be in the room. Well played. Current score: No Country: 2, TWBB: 1
11:03pm: I would not be surprised one bit to find out that Hilary Swank is a next generation Japanese android prototype of some kind. There’s just something a shade too unnatural about her.
11:07pm: Aside from Heath Ledger, surprisingly few recognizable Hollywood deaths in 2007. Gotta be tough to be a family member of one of the low applause tributes. There must be a better way to do this thing.
11:11pm: How did There Will Be Blood not get nominated for Best Original Score? It’s an outrage!
11:12pm: It’s European Accent Night at the Kodak Theatre.
11:14pm: Soldiers in Baghdad present Best Documentary Short Subject via satellite. Nice gesture, but I wonder if the winners are secretly annoyed that they can’t get the official envelope to take home with them like everyone else. I wonder if PriceWaterhouse Coopers actually sent a guy all the way over there with it to supervise the envelope, or just mailed that one instead. I wonder.
11:17pm: Tom Hanks keeps squinting like he’s trying to read the prompter without his glasses.
11:19pm: It doesn’t appear that the experience of making Sicko had much effect on Michael Moore’s motivation to eat a little healthier. I wonder if it’s occurred to him yet tonight that No Country for Old Men and Sicko could trade titles and the titles would not only still make sense, but might even be better titles for the other movie.
11:23pm: Sean Combs stars in the premiere of an ABC movie event, A Raisin in the Sun, tomorrow at 8:00. In case you hadn’t heard.
11:25pm: I’m looking at Harrison Ford right now and all I can say is that if he’s really planning on coming back as Indiana Jones this year, I can tell you right now who’s winning next year’s Oscar for Achievement in Make-up.
11:26pm: Diablo Cody’s been getting a lot of face time in the audience tonight, and her win now for Best Original Screenplay officially cements her status as the Three Six Mafia of this year’s show. Congratulations, Diablo, enjoy the next two days.
11:33pm: We’re three minutes into overtime (damn acceptance speeches) and finally up to one of the big boy awards. And the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are …
11:34pm: As unfair as it may be, I think Johnny Depp’s productivity actually hurts him in his chances here. He consistently performs unique and rich characters year after year, so the voters are going to think they’ll always have another chance to give him his Oscar. But when someone like Daniel Day-Lewis only makes a movie once every few years and blows everyone away, it just seems a little more rare and special. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally on board for Day-Lewis in this one, but I think at some point we all need to step back and appreciate the overall picture of both the quality and quantity of what Depp’s been giving us for the last couple decade or so.
11:35pm: And the Oscar goes to … Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood! The prophecy has been fulfilled.
11:37pm: The second person Daniel Day-Lewis thanks in his speech is the little kid who played his son in the movie and isn’t (doesn’t seem to be) here tonight. Well done. Current score: No Country: 2, TWBB: 2.
11:39pm: Just realized I haven’t seen Jon Stewart in like a half hour. Hope he didn’t fall in between the floor tiles and get stuck or something.
11:37pm: Stewart resurfaces to introduce Scorsese with the Best Director nominees. Crisis averted.
11:44pm: OHHHHHH, SNAP! Coen Brothers straight up burglarize Paul Thomas Anderson for Best Director. This does not bode well.
11:45pm: That last loss makes this final showdown for Best Picture huge.
11:47pm: NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN! WHAT?!? No, uh-uh. No way, man, no freakin’ way. Hey PriceWaterhouseCoopers – y’ah suspect! Ya hear me? Y’ah suspect.
11:48pm: Ouch. Final score: No Country: 4, TWBB: 2. After I calm down and reflect on this a little, I’ll try to come back next week with an explanation of why I understand their reasoning, but still disagree with their decision, in my official review of No Country for Old Men.
11:50pm: Jon Stewart wraps it up quick, just twenty minutes over schedule. Time to wipe up the broken glass from the drink I just smashed off my wall and mix it into a congratulatory cake to send to the Coen brothers. Congratulations, nerd-twins, How Green Was My Valley won Best Picture in 1941 over Citizen Kane, and you just did the same thing tonight.
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