Hulk Movie Review (2003)
Seven Reasons Why Hulk Sucked
(Why seven? Well I had to stop somewhere!)
 
Directed by Ang Lee
Writing credits
Marvel comic book character created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby
Writing blame
Story by James Schamus
Screenplay by John Turman, Michael France, and James Schamus
Major Cast
Eric Bana as Bruce Banner
Jennifer Connelly as Betty Ross
Sam Elliott as General Ross
Josh Lucas as The Karate Kid Bully… Oops, I meant Talbot
Nick Nolte as David Banner (Because “The Token Crazy Dude Haphazardly Concocted to Play a Pivotal Role as a Poorly Conceived Villain for No Good Reason” was too-long a title.)
I’ve seen both Hulk films - the first one, titled Hulk, and the apology, titled The Incredible Hulk. Like the creators of the second Hulk film, I was going to pretend like the first Hulk movie never happened. Unfortunately, my intellectual conscience wouldn’t allow me to review The Incredible Hulk without revisiting Hulk.
Hulk not like untidy loose-ends!
So where do I begin with this “Greek Tragedy” as Ang Lee described it? Why did the powers that be decide to pretend the first film never happened? Why is Hulk sitting at the local supermarket check-out aisle for $7.99? To be fair, let’s begin with what’s good about Hulk.
What’s Good?
1. The General Ross character had a slight hint of empathy for Bruce/Hulk, which I found somewhat appropriate, considering the plot. Though his role was a stereotypical “tougher than sun-beaten leather on the outside/creamy goodness on the inside” military leader, Sam Elliot got the most out of the role that anyone could. I see no reason to fault him for the imbedded limitations of the character in the film.
2. Eric Bana gave an excellent performance as Bruce Banner in the failed-suppressed-rage category. He spent the majority of the film resembling my wife driving in rush-hour traffic. Like my wife’s berserker driving techniques, Bana was uncanny, intense, and unnerving. And that was before the Hulk transformation.
3. The cinematography appeared to be shot with a slight green hue that varied in intensity throughout the film. It’s a minor thing, but I thought it was rather cool.
4. The Hulk smashes lots of stuff. The 12-year-old in me was thoroughly entertained.
And that’s pretty much it. Throw in a bunch of explosions and we have an instant blockbuster, right? Right?
So what went wrong?
1. The comic-panel wipes, dissolves, and transitions were distractive and a annoying. I actually enjoyed this innovative concept at first. Five minutes into the film, I thought the comic book transitions were just the bee’s knees, but I had no idea the entire film would be like that. The novelty completely wore off 45 minutes later, when I felt distracted, disconnected from the story, and frustrated. Putting this in perspective, when A Farewell to Arms was adapted from novel to film, no one thought to insert graphics of pages turning, and for good reason; (1) The CGI technology hadn’t been invented yet and (2) everyone knew it was a film adaptation of a novel, so there was no need to insult anyone’s intelligence for the next 120 minutes. This was the first fatal flaw.
2. A superhero film is only as good as the super villain. Superman had the evil super-genius Lex Luthor. Though mortal, Luthor devised ruthless schemes that could conceivably take down the Big Blue Boy-Scout. Brooding, methodical Batman had the animated, anarchic rival, The Joker. Batman conquers evil using logic, discipline, fear, intimidation, and in some cases, the Bad Guy’s own greed, but The Joker’s apparent insanity makes him impervious to nearly all tactics, making him a worthy adversary.
Now let’s examine the Hulk. The Hulk, an indestructible force of destruction had… well… he had the extremely mortal General Ross and an arsenal of military hardware that never really actually threatened the Hulk.
And that is this film’s second, and most important fatal flaw. If the filmmakers are to take us on this vertical joyride, the viewer needs to identify with the protagonist and feel that he’s actually being challenged or threatened. In this entire movie, not once did I feel that the Hulk’s life was in jeopardy. It was like watching The Karate Kid, except instead of 105 pound Ralph Macchio playing Daniel LaRusso, he was replaced by 315 pound Terry “Hulk” Hogan.
Let’s really imagine that scenario for a moment:
(Hogan flexes and begins his monologue, “WELL YOU KNOW MEAN GENE, I’M GETTING REEAAAL TIRED OF THE COBRA KAI GIVIN ME WEDGIES AND SWIRLIES IN THE BATHROOM! THOSE TINY HIGH SCHOOL KIDS REALLY MADE ME LOOK BAD IN FRONT OF THE GIRL I’M TOO SHY TO ASK TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND! BUT MR. MIYAGI IS GONNA TEACH ME SOME ROCKIN NEW WAX-ON WAX-OFF MOVES AND I’M GONNA TURN THE TABLES AT THE VALLEY TOURNAMENT! AND WHAT CHA GONNA DO WHEN MY CRANE TECHNIQUE RUNS WILD ON YOU!” Hogan scowls and flexes again.)
Would you believe a movie about Hulk Hogan being harassed by schoolyard karate-champ bullies? Would you feel like his life was threatened in any way? Neither would I.
3. The plot seemed stunted and haphazardly cobbled together. I scratched my head quite a bit during various points in this film. Why is Bruce Banner’s estranged father so intent on reintroducing himself to his 30-something son? Well the reason is that Hulk Smash. Why did Bruce’s dad sick his Hulk Dogs on Bruce Banner’s girlfriend? Well the reason is simple when you understand that Hulk Smash. Why does General Ross’ daughter come and go as she sees fit, even breaching top-secret compounds to just hang-out with Bruce Banner and rehash childhood memories? Well… Hulk pondered this one quite a bit and couldn’t come up with a plausible excuse for this scenario, but then Hulk Smash, and everything was cool again.
4. Surprisingly, the action sequences lasted too long and were devoid of context. Remember the fight scene between Roddy Piper and Keith David in the film, They Live? Roddy’s character wanted Keith’s character to put on the glasses so he could see the aliens too, but Keith wanted nothing to do with him, so an absurdly-long four-minute fight sequence breaks out between them, with Roddy screaming, “Put on the glasses!” between punches. Watching Hulk combat tanks, helicopters, and fighter planes was a lot like this fight sequence; exciting, entertaining, hilarious (intentional and unintentional), but ultimately pointless and a tad too long.
5. Josh Lucas as a bully? Really? As for Josh Lucas playing the role of Major Glenn Talbot, a ruthless former soldier and secondary antagonist for Bruce Banner, not even medicinal marijuana would help the viewer suspend belief on this one. Tobey McGuire could kick his ass and he’s like 4’11”.
6. I have another small plausibility issue and this is a minor thing, but with all the other wrong going on, this small blemish became a giant cloud which added to the overall imperfection. With all the top-line technology being thrown at the Hulk -- the F-22 Raptor stealth fighters, the Comanche stealth helicopters, the Abrams tanks -- I’m supposed to believe that General Ross is directing these assaults from the “state of the art” command and control center aboard what appears to be a rickety-assed Vietnam-era Huey? That’s like driving around in a new Bentley with a built-in GPS navigation system, Dolby surround-sound, LCD screen DVD player built into each seat, and at the heart of the entertainment system, an 8-track player with Disco Duck stuck in it. That’s not a good look, Hollywood.
7. So let me try to wrap my mind around the “climatic ending”; Bruce transforms into in unstoppable force of nature when provoked, and the military knows this, so we’re going to force him to interact with his psychotic, familicidal father as a last request before locking them both up for good, because the U.S. Government cares that a General’s daughter gave the Hulk’s batshit-insane father her word.
I threw my hands up at this scene like I did during the part of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith when Anakin Skywalker basically said to himself, “What have I done? I’m kinda still a good guy, but I just helped Emperor Palpatine kill Master Windu! Though I’m still deeply conflicted and visibly repulsed by my own egregious actions, I guess I’m evil now! I think I’ll go kill a bunch of Jedi toddlers for no fathomable reason!”
I think those are the main reasons why Hulk was both critically-panned and a box office flop. Other than those glaring issues, this film should have been a fun ride. On the upside, it still appeals to preadolescent boys whose hobbies include blowing bubbles with their spit, throwing rocks at moving vehicles, and hitting inanimate objects with giant sticks.
The Grades
Story: With practically all the work done for them, this was the best they could come up with. It boggles the mind when I think about it, sending me on a downward spiral of depression that not even mescaline could alter. Grade: D-
Acting: Everyone did their best given the paltry script they were forced to work with. Special props to Eric Bana for scaring the hell out of me, and a rasbury to Josh Lucas for his crummy William Zabka-as-Cobra Kai bully impersonation. Grade: B-
Visuals: Loved the green hue. I was entertained by the action (Hulk SMASH!), but it got old quick (Hulk SMASH AGAIN!) The CGI Hulk was somewhat of a disappointment too (Hulk not smash. But Hulk deeply troubled and saddened by Art Department and ILM Visual Effects Animators!) Grade: C-
Originality/Innovation: I dunno… maybe they should have stuck to the original formula because the “innovations” reminded me of the 80’s New Coke fiasco. Grade: D
Enjoyability Grade: The initial viewing was somewhat enjoyable, in spite of the flaws, but re-watching it is rather difficult (Hulk think Hulk smashed too much. Hulk need intervention and counseling on character construction and avoiding logic errors.) Grade: C
Date Material: Surprisingly, I recommend it. This film makes for great white-noise as one is getting to know their object of affection better (By the way, “smashing” is a ghetto slang euphemism commonly used to describe having sexual relations. So go ahead and wrap your mind around the half-dozen or so unprintable “Hulk smash!” jokes I probably came up with.) Grade: B
Contemporary Element (Will it be watchable two decades from now?): As I said, it’s sitting in the markout portion of the checkout lane for good reason. Grade: F
Redeeming Quality: This film stunk so bad that it inspired an immediate reboot of its own movie franchise, giving us The Incredible Hulk, which was a significant improvement in that there was an actual story worth telling, a worthier villain, and something that resembled a plot. Grade: B
Overall Grade: D+
***
Blind Eye Turning: Poems, Prose, and other Scribbles, by Barry Dawson
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