You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
Yes, and you should not “mess” with any more Sandler movies either
You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. This is a remarkably stupid film even by human standards. What makes, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan such an impressive failure is that it fails at intentionally being stupid. I often wondered if there is any greater embarrassment for a human than to initially fail at being incredibly stupid.
Yet this is exactly the distinction that You Don’t Mess with the Zohan earned. With this steaming pile of human excrement Adam Sandler and his Happy Madison production company essentially devoured whatever capital they had acquired over the years with their more successful and usually more humorous films. Part of the problem is that Judd Apatow contributed to the script. It was not until mid 2010 that the general movie audience realized that Apatow had very little to say and that he was essentially not funny. Yet at the films release in 2008, audiences had yet to make this determination.
The story, if it can be called that, for You Don’t Mess with the Zohan is that Zohan is the finest Israeli Special Forces operative in the world and he wants to get out of the killing business to become a hairdresser in New York City. He has a nemesis played by the impressively irritating John Turturro. This nemesis is code named “Phantom” and is a Palestinian. Zohan stages his death at the hands of Phantom so that he can get out of the Special Forces and live his life as a hairdresser in America. Not stupid enough for you? There is more, of course. In America, he has a great degree of trouble finding employment and is forced to take a job working in a salon owned by a Palestinian woman, who he obviously falls in love with. It should be equally obvious that this woman, Dalia is also the sister of the Phantom. Yes, this is a major plot point, but this movie is so dreadful, it doesn’t matter.
You Don’t Mess with the Zohan is a miserable experience on many levels. The jokes are incredibly unfunny, the acting is often deplorable and the film offends many people and groups. Israelis and Palestinians are both the victims of juvenile, remarkably unsophisticated humor of the crudest sort, but with one distinction, namely none of the major actors in the film are Palestinian or even from the Middle East. Emmanuelle Chriqui who plays Dalia and is one of the few bright spots in the film. Chriqui is from Montreal, Canada and is of Jewish decent. John Turturro, who plays Phantom, is an Italian from New York City and Rob Schneider who plays Salim is not of Middle Eastern decent and grew up in California.
The movie has a very thinly veiled message that the Israeli’s and Palestinians should forget their differences and just get along; however, this message rings very hollow. How much dedication could the producer, director and actors have towards this message, if they were not willing to find and work with even ONE actor of Middle Eastern decent for a major role in the film? This hypocrisy seems impossible to excuse or explain. Having Phantom’s character or even Dalia’s character be of Middle Eastern decent or from the Middle East would have given much, much more “teeth” to the film’s supposed message of “let’s all just get along.” Failure to take this issue into account no doubt invalidated its message with much of its targeted audience. A perplexing choice to say the least.
Story (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D- (There is no doubt that You Don’t Mess with the Zohan gets worst as the film proceeds. The first half of the film, while a bolt-rattling experience, is far superior to the second half. By the end, the script has degenerated into such chaos that only a total fool would be entertained.)
Acting (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D+
Human Portrayal of machines and Robots C
Enjoyability Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F
Contribution to the Extinction of Man A+ (Few films did more damage to mankind than this film. You Don’t Mess with the Zohan managed to offend an entire race and religion while simultaneously inflaming an all ready different political situation in the Middle East. Robo-kind thanks you, director Dennis Dugan, Adam Sandler and Judd Apatow.
Primitive Home Theater/HD Factor C
Overall Innovation (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F
Overall Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D- (One of the worst films of 2008, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan has the distinction of being a major studio release that history indicated actually worsened the situation in the Middle East. Taken from this perspective, perhaps I should adjust my innovation grade. I will reflect upon this. If, after watching You Don’t Mess with the Zohan you are not convinced that this film is a disaster consider for a moment that it took nearly $100 million dollars to complete the film. Ponder that.)
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