Red Planet
Here Is What You Need To Know:
Its the future. Things, as normal, are going badly. Our last hope is sending Val Kilmer to Mars in hopes of terraform it. You did read that correctly breeders, your descendants are indeed screwed and its all your fault as overpopulation is part of the problem. Damn breeders. Here is why Red Planet sucks. Much like Mission to Mars, which attempts to be a commentary about man and his place in the universe and so fourth, Red Planet is mostly about using Mars as the backdrop for the “oh s*** the robot has went crazy,” movie. What is this Lost in Space? Just pull the damn battery pack!
Few people realize that the $70 or $80 million dollars that it took to fund this film, is according to some experts, nearly enough money to have a manned mission to Mars. (I'm not kidding, we showed a great documentary at HDFEST called Mars Underground, which outlines all of these facts in great detail.) Not NASA dollars, real dollars people. How sad is that? Real mission to Mars, versus Val Kilmer running around in the desert. Oh yes, we are going to go extinct.
What Was Cool:
-Some of the killer robot stuff was okay, but killer robots make me nervous.
-A solid performance by Terrance Stamp-wasted.
What Was Stupid:
-The script was sad. Let's go all the way to Mars just to have a killer robot story unfold? Come on now, Stargate has cranked out, like 600 episodes or something and even they are more original than that.
-Director Anthony Hoffman's first film was Red Planet, it was also his only film and its like he dropped off the face of the earth. The direction was actually fairly solid overall and its not his fault that the script sucked space rocks. Has anyone heard from this guy since the film went belly up at the box-office? I hope he's okay. Well, this was also the last anyone has seen of writer Chuck Pfarrer, whose other films included the dreadful Virus, the underrated The Jackal, and the painful Barb Wire.
Story D-
Use of Science B
Acting C-
Portrayal of Women A ( At least there is a female astronaut who is doing more than answering the phone in a mini-skirt.)
Visuals-VFX and SFX C
Visuals-Set Design/Props B
Wardrobe/Costumes B
Style/Sex Appeal C
Enjoyability Grade D+
Home Theater/HD Factor B-
Gut Check (Level of Studio Executive Guts) C
Overall Innovation D+
Overall Grade C- ( Remember as a kid how a C- was just good enough to keep out of the dreaded “D's” that is pretty much what Red Planet has going for it, just barely enough to miss that “D+”.)
A Little Fact About Cherie:
I dream of space travel. Would they show us movies like this one while in transit?
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