Paul Blart Mall Cop Movie Review
Paul Blart: Mall Cop-Less Originality Than An Episode of Sesame Street But Aimed At A Less-Sophisticated Audience
You don’t need to see this masterpiece in high-definition to know what you are dealing with. Precious few movies do a better job of defining what is wrong with the film industry that the classic Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Usually I save the money talk until the end of the review but with this cinema classic the money should be put upfront immediately. Paul Blart: Mall Cop cost about $25 million to produce yet suckered people out of around $180 million bucks. Wow indeed. When Hollowood (yes I know the “correct” spelling) sees numbers like that they say what they love to say, “these idiots will eat anything.” Paul Blart: Mall Cop reinforces the extremely low opinion that most movie executives have of the average person and film going public. This is not speculation, I know this first hand, I’ve seen it in action, but we’re not getting into that.
Now that we have established that Paul Blart: Mall Cop embodies everything that is wrong with the film business let’s move on to the “movie.” This film almost seems as though it was found in some sort of time capsule from the 1980s. Almost everything about this film has that unique 80s feel to it. Paul Blart (Kevin James) is a loser who isn’t really a loser but is really an underachiever who just hasn’t had his window of opportunity to prove how totally, like, awesome he is. He works as a mall cop is borderline morbidly obese and lacks confidence. Gee, one has to wonder who the studio executives are pandering to with that one. Regardless, a gang of criminals decides to go after the mall that Blart has sworn to protect and to make the plot more gripping they have the woman that he loves. Keep in mind that Blart has only said about ten words to the woman he loves Amy (Jayma Mays), but what can you expect master thespian and creative genius Kevin James co-wrote this masterpiece of cinematic brilliance.
Blart of course rises to the occasion because he is really oh so brilliant and even impresses the scumbag that once picked on him in high school. Yes, this highly woven script also has unresolved high-school issues to be worked through, just like any good screenplay from the freakin’ 1980s! Also be prepared for some awkward product placement. Adam Sandler’s Happy Madision studio is responsible for this mess. Sandler needs to find himself a different entourage, a different psychic or whatever, because his recent decision making (see You Don’t Mess With the Zohan) leaves something to be desired.
That aside, the fact that this crap was extremely profitable isn’t the fault of James or Sandler or any of the other “characters” in Hollowood (again, I know how to spell it “correctly”) it’s the fault of the vast sea of ideas that went to see it. Wise up people. Ten more years of this kind of de-evolution and Paul Blart: Mall Cop 5 will be an even fatter, old Kevin James sitting in a chair hitting himself in the head with a foam bat for 86 minutes.
Story D- (The “story” is as though a writing professor or instructor was forcing students to create as crappy and cliché laden script as possible.)
Acting D+ (Poor Jayma Mays is a good actress who gets to make out with Kevin James. Ummm, yum! All you starlets should keep this in mind as you leave your small Midwestern towns and head to Los Angeles. Horrible things happen out there.)
Visuals C- (You don’t need high-definition for this one.)
Originality/Innovation F (Your average episode of Sesame Street has more originality and better drawn characters.)
Enjoyability Grade D- (Like popping a boil.)
Home Theater/HD Factor C-
Overall Grade D- (At least there wasn’t a cameo by Adam Sandler trying to force laughs out of some mutated version of Little Nicky or some other garbage. Enough already. Enough start taking some pride in your work. Money is great but so is dignity. And people, just say no to this stuff.)
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