Zack and Miri Make a Moderately Disappointing Guilty Pleasure
Film Review: Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Directed and written by Kevin Smith
Starring Elizabeth Banks and Seth Rogen
Featuring Jason Mewes and unfortunately, Jason Mewes’ junk
Frankly, the jury’s still deliberating this one. The film Zack and Miri Make a Porno is either the worst concept for a chick flick in the history of mankind, or it’s a mediocre stoner film, which almost sounds like a redundant statement in itself. On one hand, the script is marginal, the plot can be summed-up in the film’s title, and the acting is… well, I wouldn’t rent that tux for Oscar night just yet. Yet there are plenty of hilarious scenes and “shock and awe” sight-gags to keep the viewer relatively entertained.
As the title indicates, the plot is pretty straightforward and the synopsis is already partially written. Zack and Miri are childhood friends and roommates (Who for some inexplicable reason, never thought to cross the friend-zone boundary with one another prior to the events that led to their porno brainchild. Whatever.) Zack works in a coffee shop and Miri is a shopping mall clerk. In their struggles to make ends meet, their utilities get shut off.
(Right after that, I started daydreaming about slaying a dragon imprisoning a grateful nymphomaniac princess named Vanessa, who had a fetish for black guys with beer guts. I guess I got a little bored.)
I don’t recall who it was, but at some point, one of the stars says, “Let’s make a porno!” which immediately pulled me from Vanessa’s hefty bosom back into the film. They enlist a few friends, cast some “unique” talent, and they’re off and running.
Actually, there’s more to the story than that, but I’m pretty sure I nailed the critical talking points (Admittedly, I zoned-out from time to time while attending to Vanessa.) Sure, Zack got the porn-filming idea from a YouTube clip of Miri in her granny-panties that garnered a gazillion hits, but that’s about it for the plot.
So how can this movie about amateur porn recover from such a contrived, mediocre, and -- with the exception of Miri in granny panties -- uninteresting setup? The answer is simple, and sadly formulamatic.
Step 1: Sprinkle in some unimaginative dialogue laced with profanity for the sake of being perceived as profane. (Eff this, Eff that, Effing brilliant.)
Step 2: Throw in some gross-out, comedic sight-gags for the sake of being perceived as edgy.
Step 3: Add gratuitous nudity and copulation scenes (a vital requirement since the word “porno” is in the title.)
Step 4: I dunno… It’s supposed to be a comedy. Maybe toss in a well-crafted joke or two? Nah! The average American intellect is all about poo jokes and vaginas that expel gas in a manner that sounds like breaking wind! Let’s go with that!
Zack (Seth Rogen) even moons the camera at some point, nearly compelling me to scoop-out my eyeballs with a melon-baller. There are many other crudely amusing bits too.
But then in an unexpected, yet oddly predictable move, the movie veers towards the typical love story where the gruff, grizzled, promiscuous male finds true love where he least expects it, right under his nose with his “strong-and-tough-on-the-outside/creamy-vulnerable-goodness-on-the-inside” best friend/girlfriend stock-character. This film embraces the standard, modern chick-flick stuff (Aside from the fact that this couple finds true-love while shooting a porn scene, that is.)
I was mildly disappointed by the fact that yet another disproportionately-hot chick inevitably falls for yet another tubby nerd. I think this improbable plot-device has run its course. I recommend mandatory weight-watcher courses for the fat leading-men who are hording all the hotties like they were Twinkies. Save some top-shelf action for the rest of us average guys who have a knack for preparing and eating our meals in reasonable portions, dammit!
Come to think of it, I can’t recall seeing the reverse ever happening in the history of film (The film Hairspray doesn’t count because I still don’t know what it was about. Once I saw John Travolta in drag while wearing a fat-suit, I repeatedly bashed myself in the skull until I was rendered unconscious. Frankly, my nervous system is still recovering.) Kathy Bates never fades to black while riding off in a convertible with Brad Pitt nuzzling her neck-fat and beard-stubble. Well, it might happen, but in the next scene she’s waking up from her Brad Pitt dream to the reality of a half-gallon of Chubby Hubby melting in her naked lap. Why is it so easy for geeky, husky males to woo the dime-pieces of the celluloid world, yet all but impossible for “big-boned” leading actresses to land an attractive leading man? It truly is a man’s world. And since the visual of ice cream melting on Kathy Bates’ naked, sticky, cellulite-riddled lap has temporarily rendered me impotent, let’s get back on topic.
As I mentioned, this movie has a few hilarious “shock and awe” moments. The full-frontal nude scene of Jason Mewes’ junk was not one of them (Sorry, I don’t do spoiler alerts anymore. You’re welcome.) I’m not against male nudity in film, but I’m reasonably sure that women, gay men, and metrosexuals will back me on this; Jason Mewes is not a looker.
Don’t hate the messenger here; I’m just a merchant of casual observation. Years ago, when Richard Gere did the full-frontal in American Gigolo, chicks went nuts, and every guy with a date got laid after the movie because the image of Gere’s swag was still fresh in the ladies’ imagination. When Jason Mewes went full-monty, women visibly wretched, and the results of date night were less than desirable for all involved.
Yet, in-spite of myself, I laughed.
I did mention that Seth Rogen moons the camera in this film, right? Imagine seeing that monolithic tapestry of suck fill the frame of the entire screen right as you’re cramming to get an eyeful of the creamy-goodness that is Elizabeth Banks in granny panties. Not good times.
But still, I chuckled.
After viewing this movie, it’s safe to say that Seth Rogen and Jason Mewes are ranked near the top of the “keep your clothes on” list. In fact, here are my hypothetical top-five actors that women would rather not see nude:
5. Gallagher (Stand-up comedian known for smashing watermelons with a sledgehammer and wearing pants with the waistline nearly up to his chest.)
4. Gilbert Godfrey
3. Seth Rogen
2. Jason Mewes
1. A tie between Dennis Franz (the fat cop from NYPD Blue) and porn icon, Ron Jeremy (I know! Ironic, right?)
The intent of this film’s socially-unattractive male nudity is obviously a play at ironic humor, but since I can’t un-see Seth Rogen’s pasty rump or Mewes’ unsightly trunkage, I must warn my comrades and risk killing some of the jokes. But fear not, intrepid movie-goer! There’s plenty of lewd potty humor that I haven’t mentioned. I’ll just leave you with one word; blockage. What does that mean? Watch the film and see for yourself.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno is a masterfully repackaged love story, and by masterfully repackaged, I mean crudely contrived. It’s not much on plot or substance, but there are plenty of cheap laughs, which make this film a suitable addition to the guilty pleasure mantle.
The Grades
Story: The title says it all. Pretty weak, but… Grade: C-
Acting: Pretty weak, but... Grade: C-
Visuals: This film about the making of an amateur porno features one attractive naked chick and two naked men that women would easily pass on the chance to see naked. I can’t decide if that’s irony or reality. I also can’t seem to choose between laughing my ass off and gouging my eyes out. Grade: C
Originality/Innovation: It’s another “estro-con” (chick-flick in disguise). A relatively poor one, but… Grade: C
Enjoyability Grade: …but I laughed quite a bit between periods of disinterest and/or discomfort. Grade: C
Date Material: Geek-date approved. Sappy-date approved. Not for the prudish or the overly-cerebral.
Contemporary Element (Will it be watchable two decades from now?): It might be a cult classic, or it might hit the discount aisle. Personally, one viewing was enough for me. Grade: C-
Redeeming Quality: N/A
Overall Grade: C-
***
Blind Eye Turning: Poems, Prose, and other Scribbles, by Barry Dawson
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