Directed by Michael Bay
Screenplay by Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman
Story by John Rogers, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman
Continued
I was also disappointed that Frank Welker wasn’t cast to reprise his role as the voice of Megatron. Don’t get me wrong. Charles Adler did a fine job in the role, but frankly, anyone could have done it (“What’s my motivation? Growl a lot? Sound menacing? Laugh derisively like Dick Dastardly? Got it!”) I just would have personally preferred Welker for nostalgia’s sake.
Too much creative license was also taken with Decepticon second-in-command, Starscream. His robot mode resembled some half-bird, half-vampire hybrid. I’m just nitpicking here, but it seems like they went out of their way to render Optimus Prime to resemble his iconic visage in the original series, complete with his blue head, dual helmet antennas, and faceplate, yet they went nuts designing the most iconic Decepticons. In fact, many of the Autobots’ head and body designs were recognizable and/or cool-looking. But with the Decepticons, it was as if someone went nuts and said, “Let’s make Megatron look like an evil snow monster and let’s have Starscream resemble something that should be in the jungle, biting the heads off snapping turtles! Kids will love buying these figures!”
Also missing from the film was the antagonistic relationship between Megatron and Starscream. This relationship was only hinted upon when Megatron said, “You failed me yet again, Starscream.” Indeed, too much of this film was focused on the humans and not enough emphasis was placed on the robots, which effectively relegated the robots to bit-players in a film that’s supposed to be driven by them. But hey, who cares about Starscream trying to undermine Megatron’s authority when Sam Witwicky can’t get to second base in his canary-yellow Camaro (that’s actually his Autobot guardian) with the insanely hot Megan Fox, or whatever the hell her character’s name was in this film?
Speaking of Sam, Shia LaBeouf was exceptional in his role. Though I didn’t agree with the choice to make the focal point of this movie about a boy and his car/alien comrade (similar to E.T.), Shia’s humor and charisma sustained my attention until the highly anticipated ass-kicking scenes.
It’s difficult to rate the acting here. It’s like trying to rate cooks in a chitlin-cooking contest after watching them clean the poo from the pig intestines, boil the festering meat for several hours, filling the kitchen with the smell of poo, and presenting the meal with a garnish of broccoli. I mean, they might have done a good job with what they had, but was what they had worth cooking in the first place? Do I criticize the actors for having to clean pig poo?
In fact, the entire ensemble of human characters brought their a-game to collectively polish what amounted to a turd of a screenplay. Kevin Dunn and Julie White stole a few scenes as Sam’s overbearing parents. The guys playing the elite team of military forces (G.I. Joe, perhaps?) all did excellent jobs making the most out of one of the worst scripts since Showgirls.
Transformers won’t please hard-core cartoon nerds. It will probably be seen as yet another bullet in the arsenal of critics who loathe Michael Bay as a director. But Michael Bay did not ruin the Transformers universe. All he did was create an entertaining movie with stunning special effects that honestly, should have been much better. I got my money’s worth, and in the grand scheme of things, that’s all that matters.
Story: D (Seriously, the fate of the world rests with a pair of glasses? Awesome.)
Acting: A
Visuals: A+
Originality/Innovation: C (When does innovation become a bad thing? When Megatron resembles a metal Yeti.)
Enjoyability Grade: A
Date Material: A
Contemporary Element (Will it be watchable two decades from now?): B-
Overall Grade: B-
