Super Troopers Movie Review
100 Minutes I’ll Never get back: The Skewering of Super Troopers
Directed by
Jay Chandrasekhar
Writing credits
Jay Chandrasekhar
Kevin Heffernan
Steve Lemme
Paul Soter
Erik Stolhanske
This film has earned a special place in the pantheon of the worst films in the history of mankind, easily topping Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon, Showgirls, Glitter, and anything directed by Prince or starring Jennifer Lopez.
The magnitude of its sucktitude is staggering in that, while the other films I mentioned are still watchable for their unintentional comedy and gratuitous nudity, there is nothing redeemable about Super Troopers. Even the gratuitous boob shot was appallingly insufficient. Super Troopers, in a ghastly attempt to be an irreverent comedy, totally nailed the irreverent part, but somehow forgot that it was supposed to be funny and entertaining.
What is Super Troopers about? The hell if I know. The best I can come up with is this; take Comedy Central’s Reno 911, remove anything remotely resembling a plot, a topic of interest, or intentional comedy, add a second police force to compete with the first police force for the right to either play juvenile pranks on drivers or traffic pot while murdering witnesses… then they…
Uhm… wait…
What was I writing about just now?
Ever wonder why the sky is blue, or why the leaves on the trees are green? I bet the maple trees get jealous of the evergreen trees because the evergreen trees get to keep their color and leaves all year around, while the maple trees turn yellow and spend most of the winter naked. If I were a maple tree, I’d never talk to the evergreens. I bet the evergreens are stuck-up little pretentious snobs. I like cheese. Beans give me the winds.
Lactose intolerance is just a nice way of saying that someone is prejudice against milk.
What does any of that have to do with Super Troopers? Absolutely nothing and I apologize. I’m still reeling from the loss of some of my higher brain functions as a result of viewing this film. I don’t advocate drug use, but this film is the Devil’s Bong-Hit, and that’s not a compliment. Metaphorically speaking, at the beginning of this movie, I was a strapping, idealistic 19-year-old lad with rock-hard abs and an indomitable will to excellence. Just 100 minutes later, I became a fat, balding, slovenly, 47-year-old loser with hairy ears, wearing a nacho-stained t-shirt and sweatpants, living in my mom’s basement, who is in dire need of a bath, breath mints, and manscaping.
I can’t even go into detail about what’s wrong with this film. To do so would risk further loss of brain cells. If I ponder this film too intently, I may lose the ability to chew or wipe myself. Again, I don’t advocate drug use in any way, shape, or form, but if you really want to know about this film, you’ll get the exact same experience from sniffing glue or spinning in a circle until you vomit or pass out. Sure, you may even laugh from time to time, but eventually, either the experience becomes overrated, or you die. There is no in-between, unless you’re already a pothead. If you’re already a pothead, go ahead and watch Super Troopers, I suppose.
There are some films that are dubbed stoner films because they glorify the use of marijuana. There are also stoner films that are dubbed so because the viewer must be under the influence of marijuana in order to glean any enjoyment from it. Super Troopers is the latter. And since I’ve already explained that I’m not in the business of advocating the use of controlled substances, nor do I wish to ponder the potentially lethal amounts of weed, angel dust, and LSD required to make this film interesting, I’ll just move on to the next segment.
Things I could have been doing Instead of Wasting Precious Life-force on Viewing Super Troopers
1. I could have cleaned the mold and mildew from the bathroom ceiling, tile, and grouting.
2. I could have arranged my erotica library and categorized it by genre, cup-size, and hair color.
3. I could have worked out and then ran a mile before returning home and collapsing into a giant bag of Doritos.
4. I could have given my 12-year-old son the video recorder and let him create something slightly more entertaining than what I got from Super Troopers, like skateboarders wiping-out and giving themselves concussions on concrete, or the neighbor’s dogs humping an inanimate object, like a tree or Keanu Reeves.
Temporary loss of Cognitive Functions and other Side Effects as a Result of Viewing Super Troopers
1. Loss of the ability to speak, swallow, or blink. Duration: 45-90 seconds after viewing.
2. Inability to form coherent sentences verbally other than, “Dude, that effing sucked!” Duration: 2-10 minutes after viewing.
3. Inability to control extreme emotional swings as I alternately rejoiced and lamented. (I rejoiced for enduring the single worst film in my lifetime, and I lamented the time and money wasted by myself and millions of innocent viewers.) Duration: Ongoing
4. Loss of affection and empathy as post-traumatic stress, nightmares and survivor’s guilt force me to retreat from reality into my own cocoon as I fantasized about ways to get even with the writers and producers of such drivel, or at least warn other potential victims to avoid this film at all cost. Duration: Almost over it.
5. Overcompensating for wasting precious time on Super Troopers directly resulted in a loss of childhood inhibitions and a lapse into a singular psychosis, which compelled me to habitually jump on the bed and steal my daughter’s stuffed animals to torture with the claw side of a claw hammer. Duration: Still ongoing. (Let’s face it; much like the creators of Super Troopers, I derive pleasure from needlessly tormenting others.)
Story: Was there a story? Six guys confess to have written this abomination. SIX! And not one of them said, “Dude, this is effing stupid. Let’s scratch this idea and try to come up with… you know… a plot.” I find this astounding and somewhat frightening. F-
Acting: It’s difficult to gage the acting due to the lack of a plot. N/A
Visuals: How can anyone possibly screw up a gratuitous naked boob-shot? Ask the casting director of Super Troopers. He has the secret formula. F
Originality/Innovation: Well, on the upside, prior to this film, I’ve never wanted to kill myself 15 minutes into watching a film before. So there’s that. F
Enjoyability Grade: Hah! Seriously? F-
Date Material: As a first date, it will also be the last date. As an established couple, your significant other will most likely smother you in your sleep for choosing this one. F-
Contemporary Element (Will it be watchable two decades from now?): This wasn’t watchable while I was watching it. I can’t imagine paying to see this, but then again, I also can’t imagine paying the tobacco industry to give myself lung cancer. F-
Redeeming Quality: This film is so bad that I added a category, just to challenge myself to find a sliver of silver lining in this cloud of cyanide. I puzzled and I puzzled… and the only thing I could come up with was that, at least there was one scene with naked boobs. D
Overall Grade: F (Originally an F-, but adjusted to reflect the redeeming quality.)
This film should be listed as a controlled/lethal substance. Consider yourselves warned.
***
Blind Eye Turning: Poems, Prose, and other Scribbles, by Barry Dawson
Buy it at www.lulu.com
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