Superman Returns and I Don’t Care
reviewed by Barry Dawson
You knew it was coming. Eventually, I had to get around to reviewing Superman Returns, starring Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth, and Kevin Spacey. I approached this film the way I approach my prostate exams. I knew it would be awkward, creepy, and somewhat uncomfortable, but it’s almost like a requirement.
The story takes place five years after Superman leaves to inspect the ruins of his home-planet, Krypton. He returns to find that the world, as well as Lois Lane (Bosworth) has moved-on and adapted to life without him. Lois is engaged to Perry White’s nephew, Richard White (James Marsden), and has a five-year-old son.
And for the half-dozen of you who haven’t seen the movie already, go right ahead and do the math on Superman’s five-year hiatus versus Lois’ five-year-old son. Go ahead. I’ll wait. No, I’m not protecting this information with a spoiler-alert. This shouldn’t count as a spoiler because if there’s anyone who’s outraged by my hint, I want them to come forth. Anyone who can’t figure-out through deductive-reasoning who this kid’s dad is should not be allowed to drive cars, operate heavy machinery, or run a country (No, I’m not above thinly-veiled Bush jokes. Sorry.)
Oh yeah, and Lex Luthor (Spacey) was in the film too. Sounds weird doesn’t it? I mean, in the late eighties, I don’t recall anyone ever describing the first Batman movie by saying, "Oh yeah, and The Joker was there too." Nicholson carried that film as Batman’s primary rival. I wish I could say the same about Spacey’s portrayal of Lex. I don’t even know why Kevin Spacey agreed to this part when he reviewed the script, other than the fame and fortune of being That Guy Who Played The Bad Guy In A Blockbuster Cash Cow. All he did was deliver one-liners and scowl a lot. I’m not knocking Spacey’s skill at all. He’s a talented actor and it just seems like his talent was wasted here.
As for the film as a whole and its primary, caped protagonist in blue tights, I’m torn. On one hand, Superman was the most prominent hero of my youth, so I wanted "Returns" to knock my socks off. Also, Christopher Reeve will always be Superman to me, but unfortunately his films didn’t age well. They don’t possess that same magic they did when I was six, so it was time for a makeover. So why didn’t this film with all of its modern special effects work for me?
1. I’m not six anymore, and I prefer that my heroes have personal problems to overcome. Take Spiderman for example. Spiderman battles villains and madmen, as well as high-school bullies and acne… sometimes in the same day. People easily identify with Spiderman, but Superman seems larger than life. As a writer, how does one get around this obstacle? How can they make him relevant without sprinkling Kryptonite all over the place?
The writers made an effort to humanize Supes by placing him in an awkward love-triangle subplot between Lois and Richard White, which almost backfired and undermined the whole film. I mean, come on, it’s freaking Superman! If the woman I loved dated Superman before meeting me, and suddenly he’s back in town, what the hell am I supposed to do to compete with that? If anything, they didn’t humanize Superman, but they succeeded in making him a Super Dick. What kind of a jerk leaves town (or the planet!) for five years without saying goodbye to his girl? Then he returns and disrespects her relationship with her fiancé by pulling the "I love you more" routine? I refuse to believe that Superman, the guardian of truth and justice, has regressed to stalking his ex-girlfriend. No way can Superman be humanized, short of Lois giving him some form of Kryptonite-induced clap.
2. At times, Brandon Routh resembled a young Christopher Reeve, which creeped me out a bit when I wasn‘t engrossed in nostalgia, meaning I was creeped-out often. But that wasn’t as big a deal as when he was in the Clark Kent role. It seemed like Routh was playing Reeve playing Kent, right down to the mannerisms. But when Reeve played Kent it was funny and organic and Routh’s effort was forced and mechanical.
3. Perhaps it’s a personal failing in me, and maybe I’m a super-villain at heart, but I really couldn’t get into the plot or back Superman on this one. When I wasn’t wowed by special effects, I spent too much time staring at the screen wondering why I should have been concerned about anything that transpired. I rooted for Richard White to win Lois over Superman. (I’ll remind everyone that Richard White was played by James Marsden, whose whiny, bitchy portrayal of Cyclops in the X-men movie trilogy annoyed me greatly. When Dark Phoenix killed him off thirty minutes into the third X-men film, I giggled quietly to myself.) I also rooted for Lex Luthor until the climatic encounter, when he got all "Joe Peschi from Goodfellas" on poor Supes. If I’m backing the bad-guy clear to the end of the movie, does that make the movie bad, or am I just a bad guy who should be seeking global domination? This would make an interesting case-study.
It would probably be more interesting than Superman Returns.
1)Story: C-
2)Acting: C
3)Visuals: A
4)Originality/Innovation: C
5)Enjoyability Grade: C
6)Date Material: B
7)Contemporary Element (Will it be watchable two decades from now?): D
8)Overall Grade: C
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