Rounders Movie Review (1998)
Directed by John Dahl
Written by David Levien & Brian Koppelman
Starring
Matt Damon as Mike McDermott
Edward Norton as Lester 'Worm' Murphy
Paul Cicero as Russian Thug
John Turturro as Joey Knish
Ray Iannicelli as Kenny
Gretchen Mol as Jo
Famke Janssen as Petra
Merwin Goldsmith as Sy
John Malkovich as Teddy KGB
Martin Landau as Abe Petrovsky
I find myself in unfamiliar territory. In an unprecedented move for me, I'm reviewing a film solely as a fan request. A reader who enjoys my infrequent blathering has reached out to me with a film-review request, which has never happened in my brief tenure as an opinionated movie fan (Notice how I shy away from the label, "film critic"? I don't know crap about the film industry. I can only express what I like and dislike.)
Frankly, I'm not sure which is more shocking, the fact that I'm pandering to my fanbase, or the fact that I actually have a fanbase. Who knew that I'd encounter someone willing to admit to being entertained by my reviews?
My personal code of ethics mandates that I honor this intrepid reader's request, but what happens if I don't share his enthusiasm for the film? Do I pull my punches in an effort to save face? If I pull my punches and make nice, will I come off as just another patronizing jerkoff with a platform? It's a slippery slope from entertaining the readers to tap-dancing with a watermelon Kool-aid smile.
Perplexed, I summoned my inner spirit-guide, Rufus the Irate Nubian, using a double-shot of Jim Beam (Rufus won't give me an audience without an 80-proof spirit.) Rufus downed the Bourbon and convulsed. Once his body settled, he belched and sauntered over to me, studying my troubled visage for a moment.
Then he backhanded me across the forehead and unleashed a torrent of obscenities in my general direction. I won't pretend to understand the entire message, but he did say something about my mind being cluttered with "jibba-jabba" and he made frequent threats to pull my head out of my ass, replacing it with his boot. Then he broke wind, passed out, and that was that.
Upon further reflection, he was absolutely right. What a fool I'd been. Anyone who actually admits to enjoying my writing can't possibly expect nor want me to cut my opinion with tap water just to make it more palatable. The very notion would be dishonoring to both me and the requestor. I will bring the same raw, uncut views to the table that I always do, consequences be damned!
Rufus would accept no less.
And with that absurdly long disclaimer, I present to you, Rounders, one of the most frustrating films I've ever endured.
Simply put, Rounders is two-thirds predictable and one-third implausible. It features Matt Damon in a leading role. For those who don't know, Damon is a charter member of what I call my No Cash Group, which is a fellowship of actors that I will waste absolutely no cash on viewing in a feature role (The abridged list includes Matt Damon, Will Smith, Brendon Frasier, Ben Affleck, and regretfully, new member Chris Rock.) Fortunately, the DVD was provided by the requestor. If I had to rent if myself, I'd probably still be reenacting the shower scene following the gang-rape scene from Leaving Las Vegas (Speaking of which, Nicholas Cage also made the No Cash list thanks to "gems" like Con-Air and Face-Off.)
As the film begins, Matt Damon introduces his character, Mike McDermott and provides a voice-over narrative about the life of a Rounder, or someone who plays poker as a 9-to-5. Then Mike proceeds to lose his entire $30,000 nest-egg he was saving for Vegas' World Series of Poker, which immediately places Mike into the Bong-Hit Brain-Damaged Characters Hall of Fame along with Rocky Balboa, Bill and Ted, Jay and Silent Bob, and anyone played by Andy Dick. I'm supposed to believe this moron is some genius poker-savant after he gets his lunch handed to him right after the opening credits? Please.
A few days later, Mike is working as a delivery boy and starting from scratch to save his money for both the Vegas Tournament and to pay his law school tuition. I swear I'm not making this up. Genius poker guy is also a genius law student with the requisite law student, live-in, wet-blanket girlfriend to boot. Recognize this scenario yet? I'll go a bit further; Mike studies law through clenched teeth, but he feels alive when he is playing poker for a living. The wet-blanket girlfriend wants Mike to grow up and take his studies seriously, yet she's still not too grown for throwing immature tantrums each time she suspects Mike of gambling.
I turned to my wife and said, "They won't be together by the end of this film." She sullenly agreed. It's a sad thing to have a story that is this predictable.
This is the quintessential "plug-n-play" device. Rounders could have been about anything, anything at all, and the script still works. If Mike and his girlfriend were studying podiatry together with Mike secretly harboring a porn addiction as well as a passion and skill for porn direction, it's the same film. The only difference would be that he would have to suffer the indignity of becoming vetted as the lube guy first. Honestly, I'd probably have a more vested interest in the film about porn, depending on which adult-film starlets are depicted. If it involved Alexis Texas, Georgia Peach, Carmen Hayes, or Lisa Sparxxx, I'm on-board.
As if the wet-blanket ball-breaking wasn't enough, Mike feels emotionally indebted to his best friend, "Worm" who he picks up from prison. I'm serious; folks who are "skilled" at writing, directing, and producing entertainment reviewed this script, and said, "Yup! That sounds fresh! Let's leap into production!" See where this is going yet? Fine, I'll go on. Worm, being the lowest of the low and ultimately irredeemable, immediately cashes-in on his guilt-credit with Mike, creating massive debt with unsavory characters in Mike's name. Mike, being the genius that he is, even agrees to vouch for Worm's debt accumulated prior to his prison stint. Why? Because Mike apparently wants me to electrocute myself in my bathtub with my razor.
The acting was decent enough that the implausible elements of the story became plausible enough for me to be pissed-off at the main characters for the film's duration. Essentially, I wasn't angry with the writers for placing the characters into unlikely situations and then having the characters react contrary to what common sense dictates, but I was actually annoyed with the characters for doing sh#t that makes no sense.
Using an extended football analogy (I apologize in advance) let's revisit the Chicago Bears versus the Seattle Seahawks in the 2006 NFC Divisional Playoffs. With the game tied in the waning minutes of the fourth quarter, the Seahawks were driving into scoring position to win the game. The Bears defense stiffened and stopped them on third down just beyond field goal range, but close enough to try a Hail Mary pass. The clock read 15 seconds and ticking. The Bears had two options: Either they call a time-out immediately and force the Seahawks to punt the ball back to them, or the let the clock tick to zero and face them in overtime.
But apparently, Coach Lovie Smith was considering a third option. He waited until there was only three seconds remaining to call a time out. What the hell? I glared at the screen incredulously before hurling the nearest available object into a wall. Thanks to Coach Smith's timeout, the Seahawks could now try a Hail Mary as a final play, without worrying about the Bears getting the ball back.
Granted, their attempt failed, and the Bears went on to win in overtime, but that moment of coaching brain-damage remains with me to this very day. I can still taste the bile in my mouth as I quivered with unmitigated rage and fury and rained obscenities down upon my television.
What does any of this have to do with Rounders? The main characters' inexplicable behavior made me revisit this undesirable place of rage for at least 90 minutes. Let's say that I wrote a story where my life was on the line if I didn't break even with my opponent in a game of Texas Hold-em. Then let's say that I managed to break even. Next, let's say that my opponent essentially offers me double-or-nothing odds to keep playing, with the consequences of my losing remaining unchanged. Now let's say that I accepted my opponent's offer because he insulted my manhood. And this is the part where you shout, "BULLSH#T!" before punching me in the face.
Congrats to John Turturro, John Malkovich, and Martin Landau for playing the only characters that I didn't want to physically harm. Turturro was particularly cool and understated as Mike's gambling mentor, Joey, which only made me wonder why he apparently chose to do a speed-ball before his role as lead Sector-7 agent in the Transformers movie. As with most things, I blame Michael Bay. (I picture Michael Bay telling Turturro, "Here's your motivation; you're Jerry Lewis, except, you're a dick! Got it? And. action!")
Everything else about Rounders screams, "Punch the writer in the face!" From Mike's propensity for incredibly stupid decisions, despite being a genius at perception, to Mike's reluctance to stand up to and/or ditch a girlfriend who is intolerant of his chosen profession/lifestyle, it's all an exercise in frustration. Especially maddening was Worm's unfathomable decision to cheat in each and every game despite the fact that his perceptive, genius, cash-cow of a friend can pick-apart any poker player, anytime, anywhere. He even cheated in a game illegally sponsored and played by a group of police officers.
At that point I began cussing-out Coach Smith again.
The Grades
Story: Two-parts predictable, one-part implausible. Grade: D-
Acting: Surprisingly solid acting which ironically combined with the ill-conceived story to make a bad situation worse, creating my first ever sucktitude paradox. Grade: B
Visuals: Part of this film was shot in New Jersey. Nuff' Said. Grade: D
Originality/Innovation: It was a unique genre, wrapped in an extended cliché, creating my second ever sucktitude paradox. A few more of these and I'll be able to create my own artificial singularity without the aid of a particle accelerator! Grade: D+
Enjoyability Grade: I began the film bored and disappointed, and by the end-credits I was pissed-off and having football flashbacks. Other than that, it was fine. Grade: D-
Date Material: Surprisingly, I recommend it for a first-date film. Watch it with your girl to see if she identifies with Mike's girlfriend in any way, shape or form. If she rolls her eyes and says that Mike's girl needs to grow up, you'll know she's a keeper. If she shows a strong sense of empathy for Mike's girl, you'll know to get rid of her. Just have your best friend call you before the film ends to tell you that your mother has been shot. That should get you out of there. Then just block her number. Grade: Recommended for first-dates only
Contemporary Element (Will it be watchable two decades from now?): Rounders is already ten years old, but it didn't feel dated at all. It was just drab and infuriating. Grade: B-
Redeeming Quality: John Turturro was a pleasant surprise. The poker scenes were fresh and interesting. Grade: B
Overall Grade: C-
If you love poker, it doesn't matter what I say. This film is probably for you. But if you're a normal human being with a normal life and an average intellect, stay away from this film.
Fun fact: Rounders' tagline is "You've got to play the hand you're dealt." That was also the phrase I used whenever anyone asked me about my marriage to my first wife. while I was still married to her. That can't possibly be a coincidence.
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